Warning: emotional unpacking ahead. Oh, I’m gonna regret this in the morning.
I’m all over the place tonight and I don’t even know why. I realized that I seem to have three default emotions, depending on the situation and the time of day: carefree and happy, stressed (anywhere from mild to getting-into-my-dreams), and seething with anger (rarely over any real-world problem, usually over any part of a tangled knot of insecurities I’ve been dwelling on for years.) Tonight, I cycled through all three of them in really rapid succession. I’ve been trying to be positive lately, but my success with that seems to do more with my mood than anything. When I’m in a good mood, it’s very easy; when I’m not, I literally do not want to get rid of my negativity… somehow it makes me feel like I’m less weak, gullible, malleable, spineless, etc. if I’m human enough to be angry about something, and like I can be taken seriously (or something) if I have some amount of cynicism/rage/bitterness to carry around with me. Messed up, I know. But I’m afraid of conflict, and I never have the courage to confront the people who may be responsible for my being angry… and then the cycle continues. Also, I don’t feel like these feelings are really valid, since I haven’t had anything happen in my life to warrant this much angst – especially so far after middle school, when I’m supposed to be all grown up and adjusted and full-time job and apartment and engagement ring (and I’m living with my parents with no social life whatsoever.) I want to talk to somebody about it, but the only person who really qualifies for the job (my mom) has heard me blather about my stupid me-problems so many times she’s probably about sick of it.
The one thing I will say, though. Somehow the combination of bass practice and tea seems to help a LOT. Tonight, after one of my moody spells, I sat down and took a sip of this tea – and something about warm liquid with a flavor I don’t taste very often put my head in the right place. It wasn’t a matter of liking or disliking the tea (it’s still a little on the bitter side for my taste), it was a comfort thing and an experience thing.
Can I just stay up and drink tea for a while?