Tea Comedy I Have to Share

So I was in Chatzy talking to Wuyi-Wolf who wanted some pu’erh and then I stopped looking but came across this somehow:

At first I was just laughing at the name Smooth Move, but then I was reminded of something I overlooked:
Conchobar: “Ships in Certified Frustration-Free Packaging”

So then I went to the reviews and found this:

“More Like Sudden Gripping Knot of Pain Move
By Elizabeth Michael on August 20, 2013
I bought this product because I’m an American nouveau yuppie and easily swayed by promises of “natural” (Not anti-matter?) and “herbal” (monkshood?). I had never taken a laxative before so this seemed like a good place to start.

At first I thought I had been scammed once again by the ubiquitous Hippies justifying their existence at otherwise respectable companies. Ten hours past from me drinking my 15-minute-brewed Smooth Move to no effect whatsoever. I couldn’t even get out a fart… and I had eaten about half a head of garlic some 24 hours ago.

Anyways, as I was walking to my car in the parking garage in the morning I noticed a particularly attractive but mostly rich male that I wanted to impress by not noticing him at all. I was in the process of nonchalantly checking the weather on my phone (despite being outside) when I was stabbed in the intestines with such intensity I briefly doubled over and dropped both the phone and my french-pressed coffee. After about 15 seconds of exquisite pain that had me fearing I would be featured on “I didn’t know I was pregnant” it completely subsided. Nothing. Possibly-rich-guy asked me if I was ok. I said something about being clumsy and quickly got into the car to drive to work.

Oh my god.

It’s fortunate that Houston drivers refuse to let you exit without a good 5 miles of planning because it forced me to stay the course and grit my teeth during that entire 30 minute drive that I can only describe as “contractions”. I turned up the radio willing myself to be distracted from the pain but all the lyrics seemed to suggest release in some way. Like the ceiling can’t hold us? No no good sir, the bowels can’t hold this.

This story ends with me commenting that the bathrooms are near the entrance at my office building. I have always been a lucky woman.

So four stars for working, and an extra star for that pump fake right at the end there. Respect."

A big thank-you goes out Elizabeth Michael for creating an Amazon account just to review this product.

I hope you laughed as you read this as well :)

14 Replies
Conchobar said

Truly an extraordinary review.

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People ask me for laxative teas (with the purpose of weight loss) at work constantly. Maybe I’m alone in this but I really don’t think anything with that affect could be all that healthy.

but… did you laugh when you read her review?

AJ said

Don’t… most laxatives do the opposite of weight-loss because they cause water-retention and bloating?

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You didn’t say she gives it 5 stars. That’s icing on the cake!

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This tea delivers. (ba dum ching)

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AllanK said

That was a funny review. Anyone who buys a laxative tea to lose weight is misinformed at best. It’s not like they make you lose any fat tissue.

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Wasn’t there a laxative gummy worm out there awhile ago?

AllanK said

Probably all the ones made with those artificial sweeteners with funny names.

“I bought one order for the Westboro Baptist Church as a donation because we all know how much God hates irregularity.”

This stuff is pure comedy guys…
“One can only handle so many reviews of “niagra falls through a coffee straw” before the question of “I wonder if this stuff is legit.” All I can say is that after only 20, TWENTY, of these little sugarless delights, I am now installing handicap rails in my bathroom and suggesting my work place make them manditory for each stall. After ripping off my toilet paper roller in an attempt to keep myself from becoming airborne, I now know there are two important reasons for these handicap rails: 1) they allow you to have something sturdy to clinch on without damaging walls, toilet paper rolls, above the tank cabinets, etc. 2) at some point, I know I levitated off the toilet and remained airborne for approximately 5 seconds as what I can only describe as the force of a Saturn 5 rocket exploded from my bottom. I would load pictures of what my bathroom and toilet looked like but am affraid Amazon will close my account. Had I been able to grab ahold of something and anchor myself to the toilet, say for instance like a handicap rail, I may have prevented what can only be desribed as Helen Keller playing with brown spray paint all over the back of my toilet and walls. There comes a point when wet wipes are no longer effective due to the magma exploding from Mt. St. Anus and burning sensitive areas of your tush. The wet wipes eventually spontaneously combust. I surrendered and just curled up in the fetal position in the shower and prayed the cold water would never run out. For $35 I got the most amazing abdominal workout of my life and cleansed every toxin known to man all at the same time. That typically costs hundreds of dollars!!

5 stars given because these are going to be the most amazing practical joke deer cabin “snacks” EVER."

OMG I hadn’t read that one haha. Seriously, the reviews for this are epic.
I know George Takei loves finding hilarious reviews and posting them as well.

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I just reread through this and died a bit…

So. Amazing.

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